Oct 24, 2012

Story of My Life

Self explanatory.
I spent all of Saturday just waiting for my period to show. My boobs stopped hurting, which meant that my progesterone dropped, which meant that my uterus was going to start ripping itself apart at any minute. I got my period on Sunday morning while my mom was still here. Part of telling the world that you're trying to get pregnant is having to deal with their sad faces and "it'll happen" sentiments, so I didn't really feel like saying anything to her about it. She wouldn't have been so cheesy about it, but I really just wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it.

Jamie and I considered taking this cycle off for a break, but in the end, agreed to try once more. If it doesn't happen this cycle, we'll probably take a break next cycle. This whole thing is really mentally exhausting. It's really hard to find a healthy balance of being hopeful but realistic, and I don't really think there's a ladder tall enough to climb up and sit on that fence. When I try to stay positive, I get my hopes up which are later crushed by menstruation; when I try to be realistic, I depress myself, which is only amplified by a new cycle.

Unexplained infertility is really taxing. Why can't I get pregnant? Why won't my body work? What is wrong with me? What is it going to take? Jamie keeps reassuring me that we have time and others have said the same. "You're young!" Yes. Yes I am. And if it's this difficult for me to get pregnant in my twenties, it sure as hell is not going to be easier in my thirties. I'm pretty sure it's all downhill from here if we wait. Jamie calls this pessimistic; I call it realistic.

It's really difficult to keep myself from slipping into feeling like it's never going to happen; that I will never carry a baby inside of me. It's a depressing thought that feels like truth at times, so it's important to keep trying to find that balance. It's also really important to me to keep doing all we can to get pregnant, but I can't help but feel like it's really overwhelming Jamie, so we really have to make it more of a point to sit down and get on the same page, and if that means taking a break, then we'll take a break.

For right now, all I can do is try to wipe a clean mental slate and start again.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry. I'd love to chat further with you. I'm sort of in the same boat. We have had months of trying and then months of taking a break because it really dies get so overwhelmingly sad.