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Since last fall, I've come to know nine women who are pregnant. This doesn't include the dozen or so women that I follow here in the wide world of the interweb, either. The realization of how many women I know and "know" that are getting pregnant led to a meltdown... a major meltdown.
For a woman, unexplained infertility is absolutely, soul-crushingly heartbreaking. For a man? I really couldn't tell you how it feels. Jamie is still so frustratingly optimistic. During my sob-fest, he urged me to calm down. This made it worse. I asked him why he doesn't feel like I do and he only offered me "I do. Yes, it sucks. I'm upset about it too."
I didn't think that was enough. After nearly four years, (five, if you count a year of not-so-carefully being off birth control) I'm not upset; I'm heartbroken and I want him to be heartbroken too. I told him that I didn't understand how he couldn't be or why he isn't; why after so long, he's still satisfied with "it'll happen." I want him to hurt as much as I do.
I don't remember if I mentioned this (and if I had, I can't find it), but after our last cycle of Clomid and IUI in November, we decided to take a break. Christmas was ahead of us and we wanted to take it easy for that month and take some time to start paying off our fertility treatments. Then we found out that my mom had breast cancer, which led to my heading to Ohio for two weeks for her surgery and to be her caretaker during her recovery. So needless to say, our fertility treatments were put on the back burner for the past two and a half months.
I must have gotten my point across during my meltdown, as the next morning Jamie asked for the name of the new Reproductive Endocrinologist I had wanted to see. After looking him up on his iPhone, Jamie suggested I make an appointment.
The RE I had seen last year was fairly underwhelming. I never heard suggestions from him as to what more we could be doing. It was my suggestion to him that we try IUI. He never gave me the feeling that he wanted to do everything possible to help me conceive. So I took the advice of my buddy Carrie, who has nothing but rave reviews of the RE that helped her conceive her son, and I put in an appointment request for a consultation with him.
Here's to hoping that this new doctor can help us. I really, really need this to be our year.
I really hope this is your year too. As someone who has been through plenty of reproductive challenges, I can't say enough how important it is to have a RE that you genuinely trust. When we started seeing our RE I was a surprised, and scared, with how aggressive he wanted to be with our treatment. But I had to remind myself the goal was to get pregnant and it was his job to help us get there. He saw us through six IUI cycles, a surgery, a miscarriage, and now happily the first stage of my current pregnancy. He was compassionate but honest during some very dark times and it was our trust in him that helped us keep going when we were starting to lose steam. I really hope you find a doctor you trust and like.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't think many women talk about the toll dealing with infertility takes on a relationship. No matter what (in my opinion at least) it is always harder on the woman. My husband just did not understand the shame and frustration I felt that my body could not do what it was supposed to do when everywhere I looked it seemed to work just fine every other girl. He just kept saying "it'll all work out" and every time he did, I wanted to slap him! After a long time it is all working out, but man, it didn't help me to hear it then. Keep fighting the good fight and have faith that you will be pregnant. Until then, bottoms up!
This breaks my heart. I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteFingers Crossed that all goes well with the new RE. I am still here with you - I know EXACTLY how you feel. To be in this unexplained infertility category definitely sucks because we don't know what to try because we don't know whats wrong. I really hope that the new RE will definitely put you more at ease. I definitely have you in my prayers.
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