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Since last fall, I've come to know nine women who are pregnant. This doesn't include the dozen or so women that I follow here in the wide world of the interweb, either. The realization of how many women I know and "know" that are getting pregnant led to a meltdown... a major meltdown.
For a woman, unexplained infertility is absolutely, soul-crushingly heartbreaking. For a man? I really couldn't tell you how it feels. Jamie is still so frustratingly optimistic. During my sob-fest, he urged me to calm down. This made it worse. I asked him why he doesn't feel like I do and he only offered me "I do. Yes, it sucks. I'm upset about it too."
I didn't think that was enough. After nearly four years, (five, if you count a year of not-so-carefully being off birth control) I'm not upset; I'm heartbroken and I want him to be heartbroken too. I told him that I didn't understand how he couldn't be or why he isn't; why after so long, he's still satisfied with "it'll happen." I want him to hurt as much as I do.
I don't remember if I mentioned this (and if I had, I can't find it), but after our last cycle of Clomid and IUI in November, we decided to take a break. Christmas was ahead of us and we wanted to take it easy for that month and take some time to start paying off our fertility treatments. Then we found out that my mom had breast cancer, which led to my heading to Ohio for two weeks for her surgery and to be her caretaker during her recovery. So needless to say, our fertility treatments were put on the back burner for the past two and a half months.
I must have gotten my point across during my meltdown, as the next morning Jamie asked for the name of the new Reproductive Endocrinologist I had wanted to see. After looking him up on his iPhone, Jamie suggested I make an appointment.
The RE I had seen last year was fairly underwhelming. I never heard suggestions from him as to what more we could be doing. It was my suggestion to him that we try IUI. He never gave me the feeling that he wanted to do everything possible to help me conceive. So I took the advice of my buddy Carrie, who has nothing but rave reviews of the RE that helped her conceive her son, and I put in an appointment request for a consultation with him.
Here's to hoping that this new doctor can help us. I really, really need this to be our year.