Of course, I spent the next hour or so Googling it and reading forum posts and two week wait stories like I have in cycles past. I don't know why I keep doing this as it pretty much just makes it worse when I do actually get my period, but I just can't loosen my grip on hope, even if it does mean a more severe disappointment.
The worst was yet to come. Not long after I started spotting, I scrolled through Facebook as I normally would. I came upon an ultrasound picture that someone posted to announce their pregnancy. Instantly, I smile and think 'Aww! That's so exciting! They're going to make one gorgeous child, for sure.' but then my hormones and three-and-a-half years of not-being-able-to-get-pregnant-ness took over and I ugly-face cried. You know, the kind where not only does your face contort to Jim Carrey proportions, but tears squirt out of your face as if your eyeballs were attached to one of those pump-action Super Soaker backpacks that I coveted as a kid.
Soon enough, I composed* myself and went on with my day. That is, until the soul-crushing moment about an hour later when I went to the bathroom and realized I had started my period. Jim Carrey face, check; Super Soaker tears, check; but this time, lets throw in some sobs that, had our windows been open, may have led our neighbors to believe that we were harboring a seal pup.
I let it happen. I let myself feel sad because there's no use in trying to tell myself that I can't be sad that other women are getting pregnant and I cannot. It hurts and I have to feel it.
Keeping it together for the duration of the day was not easy, and I wasn't always successful. The next day, it was back to the drawing board. I knew immediately that I wanted an IUI this cycle. Jamie and I discussed it, then spoke with our doctor about it who is a big advocate of it, so we went forward.
Once again, I took Clomid to stimulate my follicles to create more than one egg. Last cycle, I had three follicles, but one kind of took over so I only had one egg. This cycle, I had four follicles. The one on the right was huge and ready to burst on Monday, my birthday. I had had my HCG trigger shot the day before to make me ovulate, so when I had my first IUI on Monday morning, the timing looked perfect. I went in again on Tuesday for a second IUI, and I still had my three follicles on the left side that were going to ovulate that day. So it looks like I had four eggs this cycle! And, because Jamie has super sperm, he managed to produce 5 million sperm two days in a row, which impressed the doctor since sperm count is usually lower on the second day.
|Lying in wait, literally, after the IUI on my birthday. Let's hope it's good luck.|
So once again, we wait. I've got about ten days left, which will be a long ten days.
* I am glad I caught my typo before publishing this as I had originally typed "composted" instead of "composed."
** Just right, duh.