Nov 19, 2012

That Time I Misplaced My Baby

I don't have a baby, but I just woke up from a dream that I did.

[Insert Wayne's World dream sequence sound effect.]

(Are you aware that there are no videos or sound bites of Wayne and Garth making that sound anywhere on the internet? WHY?)

A woman and a baby walk into a bar. The woman was me. I set my baby down on the bar next to a group of some of my best friends from over the years. I said hello to my long-time best friend Hannah, my closest-in-age cousin (that I spent most of my childhood days with) Amy, and two of my super long time good friends going way back to being Girl Scouts together as small children, Tessa and Lynsay. I was so excited to see them since I rarely get to these days. 

August 2011
After I grabbed a beer, I was distracted and brought into another room of the bar where I met some random people and Rob Lowe. (What?) When I returned to my friends at the bar, my baby was gone. 
"Hannah, where's my baby? Where's my baby!?"
"Your baby is fine. You can't walk off like that and leave your baby."
She sighed and opened a door that led down a stairwell to another door to the outside, gesturing toward the car seat that was sitting at the bottom of the steps. I ran down the stairs only to find my cat, Chase, strapped in the car seat. 
"Hannah! It's my cat! It's my cat! I brought my cat!"
"Well you know what? You shouldn't have brought your baby to a f'king bar, Sam! You couldn't go without a beer for one night? Have a f'king beer at home! Don't be so f'king selfish!"
Hannah ranted on and I just sat down, defeated and said, "You're right."

Then someone came over and told me that Rob Lowe's name was actually Pete, and then I woke up. 

This anxiety induced dream most definitely comes from the fact that today is the day I go to the doctors to test and it's freaking me out. My last two cycles never made it to this day; I got my period before the appointment. 

It's been so difficult waiting, but now that the day is here, I want to keep waiting. I've been spotting a little bit today and yesterday, but that's not a definite sign of anything. It could mean that my period is coming, but it's also common in early pregnancy. I'm trying to set myself up for a negative result to protect myself, but it's difficult when I don't have any of my usual PMS symptoms. Every other cycle I've ever had for the past 3.5 years, I've had bloating for a few days before my period and sore breasts for up to a week before my period. I have neither of those today.

I know it will be a tease, but no matter what result I get, I likely won't post about it here right away. It's obviously important to share any good news with ourselves and our families first. And if it's bad news? It will be equally as important to have time to feel my feelings and figure out what's next. 

My palms are sweaty.



  1. good luck! I came across your blog and in a similar situation as you - been trying and done SEVERAL rounds of Clomid w/ my fertility specialist. Its not fun one bit!

  2. Good luck, Sam! Sending you extra good vibes today! xoxo

  3. Fingers crossed for two pink lines!!!!